Untitled For now…

“You have one saved message press 1 to..”

He pressed the button and the message began to play.

“Hey it’s…” Her voice suddenly cut off as he pushes the end button.

He decided to go for a walk, no destination in mind. A walk to just walk. Just to be anywhere but here.

He briefly thought for a moment about how many times he had said that to her in the heat of an argument or a fight.

He cursed slightly under his breath as he stood up and slid his phone into his pocket. He stepped to the front door and scooped up his keys off the side table glancing up at the key rack that now sat unused.

She hated that he refused to hang his keys, and it was always a reason for a fight. Seems like such a small thing in hindsight. He knew now it was less about the keys being hung up and more about something else entirely.

He opened the door and allowed the cool fall air to hit him in the face as he did the quick pocket pat down to make sure he had his essentials before stepping out into the night closing the door behind him.

He put his headphones on and took out his phone and looked at the little red icon denoting he had a voicemail. He ignored it once again and put the music on shuffle. He placed the phone back in his pocket and started walking.

It doesn’t take long for his thoughts to wander right back to her.

They had been together since grade school, a young love that parted ways through circumstances beyond their control but somehow, some way always found their way back to each other. Had he believed in that sort of thing… one might use the description of “Soul Mate”

He skipped through a few songs that seem to make him particularly vulnerable. He almost stopped to grab a coffee but couldn’t bring himself to go inside the diner. Just in case Sam asked him about her.

Every song, every store, every book, every restaurant… everything had a memory with her attached. At some point in time, they had stopped being individuals and become one entity.

It’s never until it’s over when you really remember all the things that made you fall in love. Sure you’ll remember bits and pieces here and there but it’s a flood of memories. The good, the great, the bad…

The terrible.

And there it was again.

He stopped and closed his eyes fighting back tears.

Guilt.

Every little mistake he had made, every thing said that couldn’t be taken back, every dig and snide remark said in anger.

Everything not said. You could fill a book.

They had been so good until they weren’t.

It’s never the last straw that breaks the camels back. It’s the thousands upon thousands before that. If you don’t deal with them as you they come then they start to pile up and of course the inevitable happens.

Snap.

They snapped. No one saw the bad days, they saw the social media highs. The dates, the cute hashtags, the smiles. People saw what what they wanted them to see. No one wants to share the ugly with the world.

#SleepingOnTheCouch #TrustIssues #DoesntListen #Unappreciated

The fights between them got worse and worse. Screaming matches. Cold shoulders. Walking out.

Highest of highest and lowest of lows.

By the end… they barely could stand to be in the same room as each other alone.

But they stayed together, band aid promises of working it out, Fixing things, desperately trying to get back to where they were before.

And now every chance of that is gone.

He stopped and looked down at his phone.

That little red icon.

He clicked it and punched in the numbers.

“You have 1…”

He hit the number and the message began playing.

“Hey it’s just me…”

He hung up the phone, a knot in his stomach and a lump in his throat.

He thought about the day it ended.

It had been one of their shittier days and he had left that night without saying anything to her. Things were said that just couldn’t be taken back.

“I fucking hate you.”

It was supposed to be just a typical boys night out, poker and a couple drinks and just general idiocy. He needed a break from her. Blow off some steam and try to figure out if this whole thing was worth it anymore.

Relationships have their ups and downs. Theirs had become far more downs then ups.

She had called and he sent it straight to voicemail.

He remember thinking to himself, what did she want now, what else could she possibly have to say.

He turned his phone off and finished out the night. A few drinks turned into far more drinks then he expected.

He woke up on the couch to a thumping in his head before realizing it was actually on the front door. Rolling off the couch swearing and scrambling to answer it.

He opened the door and…

He suddenly realized he’d been standing there for a long time staring at his phone, lost in a memory.

That little red icon. Screaming at him.

He stepped off to the side and leaned against the wall. He took a deep breath.

When he had answered the door that day the police were at the door. They sat him down and spoke softly.

Car accident…

Instantly…

Anyone to call…

Sorry.

Sorry. Such a small word for such a big hurt.

Time has no meaning for that period of time. The police left. He screamed. Drowning in shock, sadness, anger…

And relief.

Relief?

Months later, he walks the street trying to reconcile these feelings of guilt. Guilt for playing the part of the grieving boyfriend. Guilt for not being able to be sad she was gone. Guilt for the lies and the pretending.

Now all that was left was a voice mail. Unable to listen to it. Unable to erase it.

He held his breath and hit the button again.

“You have one saved message press 1 to…”

“Hey it’s just me. I’m Sorry.. Have fun tonight and I will see you tomorrow, make good decisions. I love you. Everything will be ok.”

The Path

I feel like everything in my life has led me to you. My choices, my heart breaks, my regrets.
 Everything.

And when were together, my past seems worth it. Perhaps if I had done one thing differently, I might never have met you.

You asked me why I love you.

You ask me the that like I have a choice in the matter; I didn’t ask to love you. It came naturally to me. It was a realization. I love being with you. I need you. I crave you. 

Your smile, your laugh, your eyes, your touch, your smell, your taste.

The way your skin feels under my hands. 

I wasn’t whole. There was always this piece of my heart that was missing. Tucked away, quietly sleeping inside of me waiting for you to come along.

It’s you, it’s always been you.

I never want to stop making memories with you. 

Breathe 

Expect the best and prepare for the worst. I’m suddenly very aware of the pit in my stomach.

Breathe. 

I know I’ve done everything I can to prepare myself for this moment but I can’t help thinking there’s something more I could have done. 

Does that even make sense? 

I’ve pushed myself as far as I could but was it enough? 

That pit just gets deeper. 

Goddamnit it, Breathe. 

I’m so anxious I could puke. I close my eyes and try to push the others out of my head and focus on the task. 

Breathe.

He’s always there though. That little voice that grows into a scream about every little mistake and inadequacy. 

Breathe. 

I’m so close to just calling it quits, but I’ve come this far. I stand up.

I don’t think they can tell I’m shaking. I used to be confident. 

That pit grows deeper… darker. 

Breathe.

Someone comes and talks at me. I simply nod during the appropriate pauses. He seems convinced. I’m happy one of us is. 

It’s times like this I wish I was religious. It would certainly be nice to have faith and a god that believed in me because I can’t seem to do it on my own this time.

Jesus… just breathe. 

Times up. I step forward and match eyes with a man. We bump fists and nod to each other and for a moment I wonder if he’s feeling everything I am. 

Alone. 

The pit grows. 

Breathe.

Fight. 

Her.

This skin is not my own…
It itches. It burns. It crawls. 
I’m a ghost trapped in this body. 
Some where in the space between the lies and harsh honesty. Desperately trying to find out who I am without her. Every Time I look in the mirror I don’t recognize myself. 
Hollow. Sleepless. 
This room stinks. I’d give anything to feel that familiar warmth again. Gripping this coffee mug like its my last shred of sanity.
My lost love. So many times cradled in her arms while everything fell apart around me. 
But she’s poison to me. Always there when times are rough but she only makes things worse when times are good.
I can’t bring myself to see my friends anymore. I know when I do, sure as shit, she’ll show up and I have to find a way to excuse myself because I can’t trust myself around her.  
False friends. Friends of hers. 
The ones I only see when they need something. The ones I only see when I need something.
I wish I could just be over her. Over the want. Over the need. But I’m not fit to move on. Not while I’m still hung up. 
She made me feel like a hero. A champion that could take on the world. Now with her gone all I feel is the weight of the world. Pushing me down.
Down.
Down into the darkness, where I have to bite and claw just to breathe. 
Would be easier if I just give in. Hide from the light and just melt back into the darkness. 
It takes everything that have to stand up. 
Everything that I am. 
Everything that you made me. 
I move to the bedroom. Staring into the dark. I step to the dresser and reach into the top drawer, 
I find it.
The last piece of her. 
I take it and go back to the table. 
As soon as I sat down I knew I had lost this fight. That I would never be free. 
I empty the contents of the bag from the dresser onto the table. 
It doesn’t take long for the muscle memory take over and my hands go through the all the familiar motions. 

I put the straw to my nose and inhale deeply. 

The static runs through my head. 

And then with perfect clarity… 

there she is.

Her. 

The truth is… 

The truth is… I’m not inherently a good man.  

I’m selfish. Quick to anger. Defensive. Lazy. Judgemental. Impatient. 

But I’m not these all the time.  It’s the fact that I am aware of exactly what I am that allows me to recognize these parts of me and alter my behaviour. 

I believe that people can change. It can go either way. It’s just usually a conscious decision to try to be better. I would certainly hope that people don’t often make the conscious decision to be a shitty person. 

Recognize your flaws. Move forward and try your best to be a better person. 

The truth is… We’re only human. 

Buried…

Today. This day of all days, It rains. 


Someone once told me “The most broken of us are the most likely to change the world.”


If that’s true, I might just be destined for greatness. 

I stand quietly amongst the crowd. I look around at the patch work quilt of family, friends and strangers, as they lower the last thread that tied us all together into the ground. The last piece that truly brought us all together. 

My father shows no emotion. Why would he though? I wonder if they can smell the booze on him. I wonder if they can smell it on me.

My wife. My beautiful wife. My wife, At least for a little while longer. 

I want to be angry that she’s here. I want to scream and yell but she loved her as much as I did, maybe more. 

She places her hand gently on my shoulder, I turn and offer her the faintest of smiles. She returns the favour and hugs me tight. For a fleeting moment it’s like it always was. I inhale deeply, breathing in her smell and the memories of us.

I wish I could blame her for everything that happened to us. 

We grieved together at first and I was strong for her but as she learned to carry on, I drifted further away. I found my solace in the bottom of a bottle. There was no genie, there was no wishes, there was no message here… only despair.

I was told there is no word for a person who has suffered the death of a child. I disagree, the word is Lost.

I was lost and I couldn’t find my way back to my family. I went through the daily motions but just barely. 

Everything became about the drink and forgetting because every where I looked, I was reminded of my son. 

My son…

He never had a chance.

She squeezed me tighter for the briefest of seconds before she let go. She runs her hand down my arm and steps back to my daughter side a moment and places a hand on her back coaxing her towards me. 

My little girl steps forward quickly and wraps her arms around my waist burying her face in my belly and for the first time in a very long time.

I break. 

She’s grown up so much in the last 3 years. I wish I had been a bigger part of it perhaps a better way to put it would be, a part of it at all.

I failed her just as I had failed my wife. I loosen her hands slightly and kneel beside her, pulling her close. I should have never let her go. This moment seems to last forever.  I wish it could. 

I’ve lost so much time.

There’s so much loss here. 

I kiss her forehead. My daughter sniffles a few times and steps back to her mother. I stand and force a smile while I wipe my eyes with my suit jacket. 

I open my mouth to say something. Anything. 

Nothing. 

My wife smiles sympathetically and says “I know”

I nod. 

I step towards the casket. The hole. I pluck a rose from the bouquet, closing my eyes I drop on the casket. 

I turn and walk away from the crowd. I can’t watch them throw dirt on the casket. Throw dirt on her. 

She deserved better.

Better then a dirt, better then a hole in the ground. Better then this world.

Better then us. 

Two ungrateful sons and…

I look at my old man. Stoic. 

Uncaring. 

Grinding my teeth. Vision blurry with tears. 

I reach my car, fumbling with my keys. Drop them. Shit. I pick them up and after what seems like an eternity I get into the car. 

I stare at the wheel and fall apart. 

Not sure how much time had passed. I managed to pull myself together, at least for the moment. I reached under the seat for the bottle. I opened it and brought it to my lips, I inhaled deeply feeling the burn of my lungs from the whiskey. 

Just a taste.. A nip… A sip… A shot…. A pull.. A draw… Just to take the edge off. To help me sleep. To take off the chill… To suppress… To smile… To remember. 

Excuses. 

All I had was excuses to find my way into the bottle. I pulled the bottle from my face. I closed it and got out of the car. 

Bottle in hand, I walked towards that casket, through the family and friends. I stopped only for a moment to look at my wife and daughter. 

It ends here, it ends now. 

I dropped the bottle into the ground with the coffin. I heard gasps from everyone then just silence. 

I turn and walk away.

My wife squeezes my hand as I walk by. I don’t look but I know she understands. 

For too long I have let my problems bury me, today I bury my problem and start recovery. 

Today. This day of all days.